The 17 days in the NICU, plus the pregnancy roller coaster, have probably been the most emotionally challenging/faith growing I have ever experienced. Let me tell you that leaving the hospital without your baby just plain sucks. Continually hearing the laundry list of “What could be wrongs” is heart wrenching. And I can’t even describe the feeling/emotions that go along with knowing the miracle that has already taken place just by him being here.
I am so amazed everyday at how God is working. Every time we get down or start to get frustrated, He gives us hope. I have had a lot of people ask me: Why are you still so positive about things? Why aren’t you shaking your fist at God? Why aren’t you mad? I even had the social worker or a nurse or someone come in to “talk” when I was still at the hospital because the doc/nurses were worried I was in denial about what was happening. Apparently when you have a lot of “could be this, might be that, blah blahs” you should curl up in a ball and cry. Not to say I didn’t cry, trust me I have shed my fair share of tears. I have been frustrated, wondered why, etc. But instead of giving into the enemy, I cry out to God. The same thing I have done since the doctor told me I could terminate my pregnancy because what he saw on an ultrasound didn’t bode well for survival. Literally… I cry out, yell out, etc. I was hoarse at one point because of the crying/shouting. God has provided a miracle in my son. A miracle I am so thankful he felt I (my family) deserved. I blogged a long time ago when this all was starting (December) about a sermon our pastor Steve did about trials either perfecting your faith or correcting your walk with God. I am proud to say my faith is being perfected each and everyday. I told the doctor that day that termination was not an option because he wasn’t my baby, he was God’s baby. That day I turned my son over to God and put my full trust in Him. I knew that it would be hard. I also knew that God doesn’t give us more then we can handle. He is faithful to equip us with whatever we need to handle the situations that we are in. God has equipped me to handle Joshua. Whatever his “laundry list” of “to watch fors” brings our family, I know that God will get me through it. There may be tears and shouting, but it will be to God, not AT God. Don’t yell at God. It really won’t get you anywhere. It is just a waste of energy.
6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; 7 and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
Phil 4:6-7
The peace of God gives great relief. Relief that some see as denial. I am not in denial. I have just chosen to seek refuge in the arms of God.
Here are some more verses that I love:
33 These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will[a] have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33
If Jesus can overcome the world, certainly I can overcome this!!!
28 And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.
Romans 8:28
God will use this experience for good… for HIS purpose! We have been able to witness to so many through this!
13 Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Romans 15:13
I am so thankful!
11 The LORD will give strength to His people;
The LORD will bless His people with peace.
Psalm 29:11
Thank you for that peace Lord!
There is also an amazing song by Josh Wilson called “Before the Morning”. He wrote it for a friend who was told their son (who had heart problems) would not make it. He is now 7 or so (can’t remember). Google it and listen. Great words. My fave is:
“Would you dare, would you dare to believe that you still have a reason to sing? ‘Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling it can’t compare the joy that’s coming.”
Pain is temporary. This life is temporary. This season is temporary. I am so thankful for Joshua. He is so amazing in so many ways. I cannot wait to see what God has in store for his tiny life.
Thank you friends and family for all of your prayers and support with meals, child care, etc. You all have helped so much, we are so blessed!!
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