Faith

Since we had the dreaded ultrasound a week ago, a lot of thoughts have been tumbling around in my brain. I knew what I wanted to say, just couldn't get it into words. Last night, Monday night, I was almost asleep when my brain was flooded with words. I immediately wrote them all down. I am sharing them with all of you as a mini-testimony of what I have learned this last week. I hope your faith can be strengthed by my lesson.


Faith is a funny thing. You know you have it but you don't truly know how strong it is or how likely you are to rely on your FAITH and not YOURSELF until you are tested. Until a situtation/moment/need presents itself that is a bit tricky/scary. Then you have a choice. Tackle the situation by yourself or turn to God... to have faith.


I thought my faith was strong when Mike was going through the Academy. Specifically when he was on his 4th attempt at high speed driving - meaning if he didn't pass that time, the last twenty something weeks would have been a complete loss. I had faith at the time that God would pass him or show him a new plan. I knew God didn't close one door unless He was going to open another. Needless to say, he passed, graduated and is loving his job - a true blessing from God. We definitely could not have gotten through the Academy without God. 6 months with Dad being gone 6+ nights a week was NOT easy. I always knew when I was getting "too busy" for God because chaos started. I was cranky with the kids, with Mike, with our situation. Then, one of the many great Christian friends we are blessed with would bring me back and life would be good again because I wouldn't worry about a thing. Let go and let God.


Sunday our pastor talked a little about faith and how trials are either a test of "correction" or tests of "perfection". When we have walked a little crooked (i.e. away from God) it might be a point of correction to bring us back to HIM. OR God may want to help us perfect our faith. To remind us to keep trusting Him because He is in control.


Recently, as you all know, we are in a new faith testing situation with our baby boy. After hearing a specialist tell you that your baby has abnormalities that do not "bode well for survival" you really find out what your faith is made of. My faith told me that even if we lose this baby or if he is born with an abnormality, God and my faith in Him will give me the strength I need to handle it. Whether it was strengh to process grief of a loss, or love to love my baby unconditionally, or to be amazed at the BEST case scenario - that God blesses our family with the miracle of a completely healthy baby. Whatever the case, God would not give me more than I could handle.

I learned in the last week that faith is easy when life is moving along and is "hunky-dory" or "a-ok". BUT, when there is a road bump, how do you react?? Crawl in a ball and hide? Pout and say poor me? Turn to a self-help book? Or turn to THE self-help book - the WORD OF GOD?

I know what my faith tells me:

GOD IS FAITHFUL:
Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a HOPE and a FUTURE."

GOD DOES NOT WANT US TO BE AFRAID:
John 14:27
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be trouble and DO NOT BE AFRAID.

GOD HEALS:
Psalm 30:2
"Oh Lord my God, I cried out to you, and you have healed me."

GOD ANSWERS PRAYERS AND GIVES PEACE:
Phillipians 4:6-7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

That being said, I am human and that means that Satan is working everyday to tempt me to go to that dark place. That worst case scenario place the doctors go.

Psalm 118:8
It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man.

Sometimes Satan wins. Normally his victory is shown in my tears. They are my sign to read my Bible. My journal of amazing promises from the GREAT PHYSICIAN. I had gone 4 days without crying, on Sunday it would have been 5. The tears came again - only this time they were not Satan's tears. They were God's. They were happy tears because I know I can rest in the arms of God and know he has it totally under control. There is nothing for me to worry about. Like Mike says, "We are the bus riders... God is the DRIVER."

God created this baby with a purpose. We don't know it fully yet. Correction or perfection - not sure what God's orignal intention was, but I am here Lord. Here is my baby boy. On the altar for you. I give him to you. He was already yours, but I give him to you knowing you will give me the strength, love, knowledge, everything I need to execute your PERFECT PLAN.

As a final note, we decided to name our baby boy Joshua. Partly because Mike's best friend is Joshua - a great christian man and the best accountability partner a guy could ask for. Partly because Joshua in the Bible was a man of great FAITH IN GOD. I pray this little man has that kind of faith.

UPDATE:
Today I had an appointment with my OB, just a normal monthly appt, not really related to the abnormalities. He, of course knew about them, but we weren't supposed to know anything new until the amnio came in on the 12th. I went in, sat down, dr. came in and says, "I have your amnio results." WHAT??? REALLY?? Ok. What are they? "They are PERFECT." I almost cried. I loudly praised God and thanked Him for this hurdle being crossed. This news led me to contact the perinatologist (ultrasound guy that said all the negative news) and asked him what we do now. He said he still wants us to go to LA Children's to have a cardiologist look at Joshua's heart. He also said that in his experience, when it is just fluid around the heart and the other abnormalities have been ruled as NORMAL, the prognosis is all over the board. When we talked about scheduling in LA, he said he would have his office mgr schedule it, but he still wants to do the ultrasound the 12th and he may see the fluid has RESOLVED ITSELF!! Hmm... a little different story then last week when this issue "didn't bode well for survival". God is working. We asked and God is answering prayer one piece at a time. I think the main lesson I have learned is that the ONLY way I would be able to get through anything like this is with the power of prayer and the strength of God.

Thank you all for your support, your prayers, your church's prayers, your love, your friendship. Keep the prayers coming!!

Love you all!!!